chapter 6

Losing Myself (AUGUST)

music: Satie

Time to get down to work and get ready to begin home-schooling with Lili. Oh my God, those poor high school kids. I see them staring at computer screens, listening to teachers explain their cookie cutter assignments. And then to get a good grade, they type in the correct answers and press send.

Mom says my first step is to get grounded and organized, and find out what homeschooling is all about. So she ordered like five or six books from Boulder Library (which just opened a couple weeks ago!) about home-schooling so I could come up with an “actual” curriculum. And I’ve been pouring over them: Homeschooling for success; for excellence; for self-discovery. At school you study and answer the questions for success and excellence; at home, the students help create the questions that lead to success, and the parents try their best to become successful teachers. What about learning from joy and confusion? As Grams would say, “Oy vey!”

So here’s my curriculum for a year of non-schooling.

ALF’S COMMUNITY PROJECT:

Exploring the world of nature magic;

Bathing in the living joie de vivre of classical music;

Connecting to the invisible living light of the world.

Of course there are no correct answers, because asking “what do you seek?” leads to the same answer: if you don’t know, come and see. And explore. After all, the world isn’t logical, it’s a song. Singing to the flowers, and singing to Drew- my Druid Oak.

Drew is my outdoor classroom teacher. He’s the heart of my own private Walden, where I can sit in my backyard and listen to leaves rustling and crickets singing. Pondering another Debussy quote: Mysterious Nature is my Religion. (By the way, ALF is Alice Liddell Francis- and Alien Life Form!)

Now I receive this amazing mental download: I’ll take my Dreams & Ponderings journal and expand it into a magical adventures book! An online book that weaves my favorite music into each chapter. That will be my Community Project, my gift to my community! Just imagine, all these girls out there visiting my website and joining me in exploring. Sharing the magic with others, with each other! Well, I admit that sounds like a stretch. But I can still dream. . .

But enough about me and my Project. Now I’m outside, focusing on how the moonlight creates sparkles on the oak leaves as they drink in the light and shimmer in the gentle wind. My feet on the earth, my back against Drew’s trunk, his energy flowing up from the ground and into my feet. My body relaxes, standing tall, bare feet pressed on the earth next to his roots. I smile, feeling tingles in my feet that start moving up my legs. Energy flows up from the earth, up through my body and out my hands pressed against his trunk, then back into Drew as we spiral our energy and joy together in the night. The emotion becomes a warm glow that spreads slowly through my entire body, healing my mind, body and spirit.

When we’re finally finished, I sit down on the cool grass under his canopy of leaves, feeling the support of our dear Mother Earth. My breathing slows down as I pause to feel grateful, and feel loved. I look up at the sky, feeling myself surrounded by stars, and I thank Drew and Sister Moon for sharing the mystery. Feeling them, seeing them, while they feel and see me. I take Luna out of my backpack, then softly play a Satie melody on my flute as an offering to the night.

The grass and earth and night music- it’s all a part of who I am. Drew and I are nourished by the same soil, the same clouds that bring rain, the same Mother. What I breathe out, the trees and flowers and grass breathe in. I can feel it happening in this very moment. We don’t just need each other- we are each other. Ask the animals, the birds, the flowers, or ask the earth. They all teach us: it’s about love.

So is this what it means to truly love? Is it possible for a girl to fall madly in love with a druid oak tree? Is it possible for her to love and connect with her musical and historic friends, who died long ago but hang out or walk with her daily?

I’d ask Alice to say more, but she’s gone- transforming into a tree; expanding, stretching, testing the limits of her new branches and leaves, merging with the night sky, the light of the moon, the very earth herself.

We’re becoming everything.