chapter 12
Life is but a dream (April-May)
Music: john cage
My long hopeful story (my year long Community Project) is coming to an end- I just can’t write anymore. I can’t go on. What started out as a series of heart-full stories about discovering real magic, ended with a lonely, confused teenage girl who narrowly escaped death, set to music.
As for homeschool, I crammed for a couple weeks before taking a two day National Standardized Test in late April to prove I wasn’t slacking off all year. Which I was, and I still passed the test with no problem (Stanford-10 if anyone cares). Then in May I enjoyed a lovely 15th birthday party, where all of Lili’s friends dropped by- eating yummy NY cheesecake together and sipping whatever, while Mom and I played Ebony. And everyone’s adjusting their masks to dab tears and wipe sniffles because we’re all so grateful I’m still alive.
Well, even if I can’t go on, I also can’t hide out forever- it’s time to face the music. One fragile step at a time. Lili and I are checking out schools for me to attend next year, and Dad’s paying for it all from his portion of his late grandmother’s brownstone. Basically I can choose a school anywhere!
I’ll be visiting Dad soon (we kind of made up, but not really) and I should be super excited about everything, but most nights I don’t even think about Mom, Dad or a new school. I usually lie awake, staring up at the ceiling. Praying to whoever’s listening to please bring me a best friend forever. A companion who checks out my website and is overwhelmed. And the first thing she says is, “Oh my God Alice- you’re describing me!” A soulmate who listens deeply to music and the outdoors: who listens to me the way I listen to her. She whispers, “I want to explore enchanted woods and haunted lakes with you.” We’ll go shopping, or find a place to enjoy afternoon tea and split desert, then kiss goodbye, or go to my backyard and sit close to each other in Mom’s magical garden- while my soul angel, our soul angel hovers above us, smiling as she watches over us.
But for now- it’s just another dream. A hopeful girl’s fantasy- that one day soon Covid ends and I find my best friend forever. Now I’m alone.
Well, not exactly. Even when we feel alone, we’re not really alone. Someone or something is doing something from somewhere. And I’m dedicating what life I have left to making friends with that someone or something. And always loving and listening to my invisible friends- Satie; Thoreau; Debussy; my angel. The birds, the wind, the sound of music, the sound of silence. And most of all, my dear friends who I’ve yet to meet: like you! Because you’re here now, reading this.
I mentioned it last fall, but now I’m asking you, face to face: Are you up for a friendship? Please invite me on your journey! C’mon, just try to have faith in our magical world, playing “let’s pretend” until one day you actually take that first step into Wonderland! I know what you’re thinking- am I real? Seriously?? I could ask the same of you! Who knows, maybe it’s all a big dream. But I hope you’ll dare to dream big with me, because really, I’d so love to help you discover the magic- come and see! Four in the afternoon, you say? Great! I’ll show up then and we can hang out the rest of the day!
Lets’s begin our time together with John Cage’s 4’33”. Four minutes and thirty three seconds (in three movements!) of silent meditation on all the sounds you hear. Choose one, or all three, and see where it takes you- or where it takes us!- because we’re in this together, my magical friend. Let’s go exploring! “Life, what is it but a dream?”
Au revoir, chère amie! See you soon!
The Bird her punctual music brings
And lays it in its place-
Its place is in the Human Heart
And in the Heavenly Grace-
What respite from her thrilling toil
Did Beauty ever take-
But Work might be electric Rest
To those that Magic make-
Emily Dickinson
